52hzbreak: a cute little danmuji in a white rabbit costume having a sweet nap (Default)
- withdrawing without penalty is better than withdrawing with academic and financial penalty
- summer semester is not required, it's more like cram school. I'm doing it to keep the brain occupied
- the brain is being an ass right now. this is not my fault
- I can't get any help about said brain being an ass until June. this is also not my fault
- all the courses I do in summer are available to me in 2019
- if I drop out now, it'll only be a max of not even two months 'til I'm back in school, and I'm fairly sure I can keep brain occupied with "Akayoroshi" and dolly things (which are less stressful, for that matter). also house things, for that matter.
- I save $20 a week on transport if I drop out! 😂

...all that said, I would rather not drop out. but ye gods body is exhausted (for no reason I can find...oh wait anaemia) and one little voice just loves to scream and cry about "failing" and "being useless" at the very thought of doing so, even for sensible, GPA-saving reasons. I am...reasonably sure this is not the voice of reason, just the voice of Being Upset About Everything All The Time.

oh yesh, happy new year, btw.
52hzbreak: a cute little danmuji in a white rabbit costume having a sweet nap (sleepy danmubunny is sleepy)

I am alive, I’m doing my first doll faceup, I’m exhausted because Christmas, and…um…Tumblr’s dead…and Piccolo has a moefang.

Srsly.

Moefang.

…god I need a nap.

mirrored from Esclandre.

52hzbreak: a cute little danmuji in a white rabbit costume having a sweet nap (sleepy danmubunny is sleepy)
bada-boom, bada-bing, I'm doing the thing


[img: notebook paper with "GYWO 2019" printed in large black
letters with a blue shadow. under that, "writing decathlon" in
handwritten black letters with an orange shadow.]
GetYourWordsOut: Year Eleven!
Pledges & Requirements | GYWO.net
52hzbreak: a cute little danmuji in a white rabbit costume having a sweet nap (sleepy danmubunny is sleepy)
  • not dead, just busy with school and sickness
  • fairly sure I’m going to bomb the assessment item worth 40% of my grade, because I can’t remember a goddamn thing without prompts — welcome to whatever Neurological Hell the Lamictal disaster inflicted on me; nobody knows what it is
  • and I can’t get in to see a neurologist until JUNE. NEXT. YEAR.
  • yes, I am calling Shine Lawyers (no win no fee; it’s all I can afford) ASAP, and I am going to sue Dr. H-R for all the bitch is worth
  • and then some, if it turns out this has permanently ended my academic career
  • don’t know what that means if it has for me. what’s my purpose? what’s the point in staying alive? school is the only way I can get out of this cage, and if it’s no longer an option, I’m locked in for life. I’d rather be dead.
  • don’t know what else to say. Christmas is stressful and gross? but it always is. wish I could get out of it on religious grounds, but Taoism being Taoism…there’s nothing that says “THOU SHALT NOT CELEBRATE CHRISTMAS!”. if anything, most Taoists see it as a chance to become even more aligned with Tao. I’m still struggling with that; how can something that stresses me out — not just Christmas, but anything — help me get right with Tao?

…sorry this is such a goddamn downer of an entry. Have a kiwitten to make up for it?

mirrored from Esclandre.

52hzbreak: a half-face portrait of an Asian woman with long wavy dark hair and a slightly surly expression (that doesn´t mean you´re the sun)

when you’re three seconds away from doing something that will be largely stupid and pointless.

some people will only ever see what they want to see, even if you hit them in the eyes with reality like a Triffid barb. them’s the breaks. you can’t make a person understand you if they are determined not to, no matter how plainly you state the truth to them.

and yet, it still rankles.

I will only let myself fall in love with my next romantic partner if they prove to me that they can see and value me, as I am, not whatever they would rather I’d be, and not for what they can get out of me.

mirrored from Esclandre.

52hzbreak: a cute little danmuji in a white rabbit costume looking utterly baffled (no wait...whut?)

I don’t know why it is that the moment I relax, my brain — or possibly my sickness — decides that nope, all is terrible and awful and you should really have a nervous breakdown right about now, oh god, it’s all just so horrendous!

I kind of ‘float’ above it, or process it by ignoring it, I suppose, so it’s not as bad as it could be by any stretch of the imagination; I have some modicum of control. it just puzzles me as to why it happens at all. like, what is it about relaxing that triggers that kind of response? why?

I mean, it’s highly likely it’s some sort of chemical thing, as it usually is with me. 99% of my brainfwckery is entirely chemical-based. I have a surprisingly solid emotional grip on myself…when the chemicals aren’t causing weird crap to happen against my will no matter what I do. I’m just incredibly curious as to the why of it all, because then it’s easier avoided or dealt with.

(first person to suggest mindfulness gets a whack in the ear for not listening to a damn thing I just said. when the chemicals are doing the crazy, mindfulness is not going to help, never has, and never will. malfunctioning chemicals don’t give two goddamns what I do or don’t think about or concentrate on.

I am aggressive regarding this point because I’ve had the same suggestion and the same dismissal of why it doesn’t work for me all my life. if that makes me a bad person, so be it.)

in other news, my new Pullip arrived today, and I am over the moon. (her name is Raianne, and she’s a re-wigged Panda; and wow the original run Pullip bodies were flimsy. I’ll replace it with an Obitsu 27cm as soon as I can.) I didn’t know StarTrack delivered on Saturdays…

mirrored from Esclandre.

52hzbreak: a young Asian man with bleached blond hair smiling happily and unguardedly (the sweetest of smiles)

been a while~!

I’ve been busy. obviously. 😛 school started, and it’s only been two days (on campus, I mean; summer semester has technically been running four days as of now) but I’m loving it so much. my teachers are great, especially Kim-seonsaengnim (I’m sorry, but linguists who will happily rabbit on about the formation of a language always get massive bonus points with me), and JD is doing the same two classes as I am so it’s ten times as much fun. I take a single 10mg beta blocker in the morning and I can manage the hell out of the anxiety. public transport is still a royal jittery (and exxy…) pain in my ass, but I can deal. my sleeping schedule is a bit weird, but I’m not exhausted. I might even have the ability to micro-nap by the end of summer!

I don’t want to jinx anything by saying that I’m happy, but I’m so happy. all of this is what I want from life. it’s like summer ’16 but better.

and…the best thing. on Tuesday, I was just overwhelmed. full on depressed. thoughts not so much racing as making Usain Bolt look sluggish. anxiety off the scale. “why am I doing this? it’s going to crash and burn. I’m terrified.” that kind of thing, just catastrophising, over and over from the moment I got home Monday, reaching an utter crescendo early Wednesday morning (like, 3am-ish. that kind of deal.)

I got up and went to school anyway. I was brimming with disaster and terrified of everything but I fucking did it.

that’s the power I want to keep by me. I don’t want to cure the sickness, because that is literally impossible. but I want to be able to not be overwhelmed entirely by it. hell, it can batter me all it wants — I went to sleep on Tuesday night thinking “I probably won’t get to school tomorrow” — but I want to be able to keep my head above the water. just enough to breathe. just enough to keep going by my own will…which is much stronger than anyone gives me credit for. especially myself.

I think it’s partially embracing a kind of “whatever happens, happens”…not mindset per se, more…I’m not sure what to call it. but when I went to sleep on Tuesday night cycle-thinking about how I wouldn’t get to school the next day, I do recall thinking to myself, over the top of said circling thoughts, “if we do, we do. if we don’t, we don’t. that’s all there is to it. now sleep, because it’s not going to change the future.”

it’s kind of embracing fatalism and hope at the same time, which is one weird, weird mix. but I am not going to look a gift horse in the mouth.

This feeling is more than a ruby
Like the sparkling that I’m feeling
I don’t wanna make it blue
Imagine your la vie en rose…

mirrored from Esclandre.

52hzbreak: a cute little danmuji in a white rabbit costume having a sweet nap (sleepy danmubunny is sleepy)

anxiety: ohnoes it’s Friday and we’re SO EXHAUSTED!!11!11one We have SCHOOL on MONDAY!!

yrs truly: yes, Minjangie*. that’s why they invented weekends. which has not even started, yet.

anxiety: …oh. 😐

 

* I anthropomorphise my anxiety as a little purple bunny, because it’s easier to handle & be kind to, that way.

mirrored from Esclandre.

52hzbreak: a cute little danmuji in a white rabbit costume having a sweet nap (sleepy danmubunny is sleepy)

“Look, I know it’s an artform or whatever and all,” Niko said, one eyebrow raised. “But, like…have [these artists] ever seen an ACTUAL pair of breasts? You know, attached to a real girl?”

Asher’s snort said everything. “Bruh.”

“I mean…they don’t move like that. They honestly do not. Like, they’re not really my area of expertise–” a choking noise was heard above the animated calamity onscreen as Asher spat out his Coke “–but if your tits move like that, you should probably see a doctor.” Niko paused. “Or an exorcist.”

and now a long moment while your author pauses and laughs her head off. I…honestly did not think I would care overmuch for either Niko or Asher, but the former’s statements and the latter’s reactions…I am deceased. officially.

damn I hope I don’t have to kill either of these two off.

mirrored from Esclandre.

52hzbreak: a cute little danmuji in a white rabbit costume having a sweet nap (sleepy danmubunny is sleepy)

Okay, I love two of my villains already.

“Fuck me blind,” Niko rasped out, still prostrate on his back and staring up at the sky with hazy eyes. A small trickle of blood ran from his lower lip. “She hits like a girl.”

Asher gave him a doubtful look. “You kissed the dirt, dude. And now you can’t move.”

“Yeah, exactly. Ow.”

“And you say she hits like a girl?”

“I wouldn’t be in half as much trouble if she hit like a dude.”

mirrored from Esclandre.

52hzbreak: a black and white image of a blonde woman looking sadly into the distance (then the night would be enough)
  • what you enjoy, if it hurts nobody
  • especially if it’s just something like, I don’t know, pop music
  • being cheerful
  • having friends
  • not liking something, if you’re kind and respectful about it
  • having interests that are wildly different from each other
  • having and enforcing personal boundaries
  • illness
  • other people’s bad behaviour if they are not, say, children you are directly responsible for

mirrored from Esclandre.

52hzbreak: a young Asian man with bleached blond hair smiling happily and unguardedly (the sweetest of smiles)

a good day. I checked in my Daylio diary and it’s the first ‘good’ day I’ve had since Sept 30. not that October was a horrendous month, really, but so many of my moods were just ‘neither-nor’ on the scale. I mean, I guess that’s better than being sad or sick, but…it was dull, and a little frustrating. I don’t hope for happiness every day, but going through a month where everything was just same-same-same gets irritating.

in other news, oh my hecking frog it’s hot and damp and ugh subtropics UGH. you could go swimming through the air. twelve towels’ worth on the humidity scale. dreadful.

two of my brothers came over so we could go shopping and get lunch. we went to the town over because I thought there was a Breadtop there, and I have the worst. craving. for anpan (but then again, when do I not?) but it’s gone! now I have to go to the inner city suburbs if I want anpan. that’s fine during school time, but a trek into the city just for delicious bread is kind of a pain in the neck.

…bought another succulent. WHAT. 😛 his name is A Weed (because it was the first thing my brother asked me when he saw him in my trolley. “is that a weed?!”, I mean). he’s got spots and I love him.

little else to say here, I guess. I’ve accidentally dropped my blogging mojo somewhere. dang.

mirrored from Esclandre.

52hzbreak: a cute little danmuji in a white rabbit costume having a sweet nap (sleepy danmubunny is sleepy)

1. okay, summer’s on its way for sure, now.
2. dyed my hair; it was supposed to be a warm chocolate brown. it’s black, or close enough to black that it makes me look even MORE vampirically pale than I already am. unamused. hopefully it’ll fade soon.
(2.5: my spellcheck doesn’t think that ‘vampirically’ is a word. nor ‘spellcheck’, for that matter.)
3. awake all night. note to self: sun starts rising at 4:30. indescribably beautiful. again, oneesama was right: 春はあけぼの…

mirrored from Esclandre.

52hzbreak: a cute little danmuji in a white rabbit costume having a sweet nap (sleepy danmubunny is sleepy)

Hellsing has one of the most solid English dub performances I have ever heard (some of the script makes me roll my eyes, but the performances are uniformly fantastic), and then Crispin Freeman’s utter ham of an Alucard ruins the whole damn thing. or, well, not ruins it, but is an annoyance.

sidenote — or maybe not a sidenote, this actually is one of the key reasons why I find Freeman’s Alucard so annoying — why would Alucard have an American accent, anyway? wouldn’t he have a Romanian accent, or at the very least an English one with hints of Romanian in it? though, I don’t suppose that’s Freeman’s fault; it’d be more of the voice director’s doing, I think?

</opinion, not fact>

mirrored from Esclandre.

52hzbreak: a cute little danmuji in a white rabbit costume having a sweet nap (sleepy danmubunny is sleepy)

…ah, okay. watching Vampire Miyu and I think I’ve discovered why Miyu annoyed me originally: she’s quite hypocritical.

I don’t know if you need put spoiler warnings up for Old As Dirt ™ shows, further rumination is under the jump just in case.

Read the rest of this entry » )

mirrored from Esclandre.

52hzbreak: a cute little danmuji in a white rabbit costume having a sweet nap (sleepy danmubunny is sleepy)

doing a Vampire Miyu TV rewatch…I can remember close to nothing about it, except that

  1. the soundtrack was a melancholy jewel; Kawai Kenji is an underrated composer
  2. I think it annoyed me at some point…or Miyu herself annoyed me? I have extremely hazy memories of…some kind of annoyance with the character. perhaps I’m remembering the OAV or the manga…

and I’m weirded out that not only am I just a Japanese beginner, I’m also incredibly stupid, and I understood the 吸血姫/ヴァンパイア pun in the title and the American translators…did not. to the point where they titled the series something that Kakinouchi-sensei and Hirano-sensei did…not…actually…title it? huh? what are these people paid for if they miss something that obvious? gosh, that’s weird.

(explanation beneath the jump if anyone’s interested?)

Read the rest of this entry » )

mirrored from Esclandre.

52hzbreak: a cute little danmuji in a white rabbit costume having a sweet nap (sleepy danmubunny is sleepy)

that frustrated feeling you get when people claim to have “studied” the Heian era, and don’t realise that there was twelve year’s difference between Sei Shounagon* and Murasaki Shikibu, and not only that, they weren’t at Court at the same time.

Shounagon-oneesama was there from 993 to 1001. She left when Empress Teishi passed away.

Michinaga (That Shitehawk) got Murasaki to join Shoushi’s* court in 1005 as a companion-cum-tutor to the Empress. She retired from Court with Shoushi in 1011.

Describing them as rivals in warring salons is just…it didn’t happen, okay? Teishi’s salon collapsed upon her death, understandably, and Shoushi’s didn’t really come to any sort of prominence before Murasaki joined. (And even with Murasaki in it, Shoushi’s salon was known to be a little too formal and proper; without Murasaki, one thinks it would have hardly been remarkable at all. Also, the intersection of time when Teishi was still alive and Shoushi was second Empress wasn’t even two years; I’m inclined to think there wasn’t enough time for Shoushi’s salon to establish itself as a “rival” to Teishi’s in the slightest. And that was BEFORE Murasaki arrived and did the hard carry!)

Now, I’m not saying that Murasaki didn’t know of Shounagon, or at the very least, had read her Pillow Book — that can be surmised from her little passage in her diary (which has the distinctive whiff of jealousy about it…and I say that because it sounds exactly like something I would write about someone I’m jealous of; I wasn’t kidding when I said that Murasaki and I were too similar for me to truly like her). But they probably never met face-to-face even once.

* sorry for the ‘ou’ instead of the far more common ō; it’s just a (probably bad?) habit. for some reason I use a semi-bastardised version of wapuro and Nihon-shiki romanisations. with the odd bit of Kunrei-shiki thrown in for particle romanisations. sod it, I’m presenting the Kirin-shiki to the Naikaku one day. (no, I am not.)

mirrored from Esclandre.

52hzbreak: a cute little danmuji in a white rabbit costume having a sweet nap (sleepy danmubunny is sleepy)

might as well start over, or, perhaps, put some of the photos worth showing off back on the mantelpiece, so to speak.

I finished Once Upon a Time in the North either last night or the night before (I’m not even sure what day it is today), and I loved it so much more than Lyra’s Oxford. I also started reading La Belle Sauvage, which seems lovely so far. we’ll have to see, of course.

still playing Chrono Trigger…made it down to the Ocean Palace. at least, I think that’s what it’s called. Ocean Temple? either or. it’s so odd playing a game that I played nearly to completion, but remembering…close to nothing. I actually stop and wonder sometimes if I actually did play it at all, or if I just watched a Let’s Play, or somesuch.

more coding to do. not quite finished yet. getting there getting there getting there.
but for now, sleep. (^^)

mirrored from Esclandre.

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