been a while~!
I’ve been busy. obviously. 😛 school started, and it’s only been two days (on campus, I mean; summer semester has technically been running four days as of now) but I’m loving it so much. my teachers are great, especially Kim-seonsaengnim (I’m sorry, but linguists who will happily rabbit on about the formation of a language always get massive bonus points with me), and JD is doing the same two classes as I am so it’s ten times as much fun. I take a single 10mg beta blocker in the morning and I can manage the hell out of the anxiety. public transport is still a royal jittery (and exxy…) pain in my ass, but I can deal. my sleeping schedule is a bit weird, but I’m not exhausted. I might even have the ability to micro-nap by the end of summer!
I don’t want to jinx anything by saying that I’m happy, but I’m so happy. all of this is what I want from life. it’s like summer ’16 but better.
and…the best thing. on Tuesday, I was just overwhelmed. full on depressed. thoughts not so much racing as making Usain Bolt look sluggish. anxiety off the scale. “why am I doing this? it’s going to crash and burn. I’m terrified.” that kind of thing, just catastrophising, over and over from the moment I got home Monday, reaching an utter crescendo early Wednesday morning (like, 3am-ish. that kind of deal.)
I got up and went to school anyway. I was brimming with disaster and terrified of everything but I fucking did it.
that’s the power I want to keep by me. I don’t want to cure the sickness, because that is literally impossible. but I want to be able to not be overwhelmed entirely by it. hell, it can batter me all it wants — I went to sleep on Tuesday night thinking “I probably won’t get to school tomorrow” — but I want to be able to keep my head above the water. just enough to breathe. just enough to keep going by my own will…which is much stronger than anyone gives me credit for. especially myself.
I think it’s partially embracing a kind of “whatever happens, happens”…not mindset per se, more…I’m not sure what to call it. but when I went to sleep on Tuesday night cycle-thinking about how I wouldn’t get to school the next day, I do recall thinking to myself, over the top of said circling thoughts, “if we do, we do. if we don’t, we don’t. that’s all there is to it. now sleep, because it’s not going to change the future.”
it’s kind of embracing fatalism and hope at the same time, which is one weird, weird mix. but I am not going to look a gift horse in the mouth.
This feeling is more than a ruby
Like the sparkling that I’m feeling
I don’t wanna make it blue
Imagine your la vie en rose…
mirrored from Esclandre.